I Can't Help It
by gorgeousastrolabe
Summary: A RizaXRoy fanfiction where Riza and Roy have been seeing each other outside of work for almost a year now, but no one can know and they can't get caught. Warning: this gets pretty deep. Follows the Brotherhood plot line. Rated M for swearing, real life situations, and heavily implied stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**Wednesday, October 9** **th**

Wednesday had been a dreary day, which was to be expected of early October. It had been cloudy and chilly that morning, when Riza had left her apartment to go to work, and it didn't take long for the grey clouds to open up and wash Central with its icy droplets. It continued to rain all day, and by the time Riza got home, she was soaked and exhausted.

But now she stood in front of her stove, a small kettle in front of her, steam rising from its spout as she rolled her shoulders and groaned. She had changed from her thick blue work uniform, which had done little to protect her from the rain and left her soaked to the bone, and was now wearing a white tank top and loose pants. Her hair, which had almost always been tied up into a clasp, was now in the form of a loose braid that made her face looked rounder, softer, and younger. She stood in front of the kettle, relaxing in the warmth of her apartment as she waited for her tea to boil.

The kettle was about to boil though. Riza knew this, since she had been using that kettle for some time, and knew that it only took ten minutes for it to make her energy tea she always drank on days like these. She knew that the kettle was about to begin whistling, but did not open her eyes.

The truth was there were more important things on her mind. Like that Fullmetal kid, who was always causing trouble for the military. "The damn brat," she muttered aloud, and then winced at her own words. She liked Edward Elric, and his little girlfriend and brother too, but there were times when she was so fed up with his crap that if she could change her venomous attitude into poison, she could kill a herd of elephants.

Finally she opened her eyes, and quickly moved the kettle off of the burner. Then she turned off the stove, and began searching for a clean cup. Somewhere in her apartment, she could hear Hayate whimpering. He was probably under her bed, since he always hid there whenever it stormed.

After doing a little bit of scrounging, she found a white chipped mug that she had accidentally taken home from her favorite coffee shop once. She set it down, and then patiently poured her tea, letting it sit for a few minutes until it cooled so that it wouldn't scorch her tongue.

 _Yes, that Edward kid is troublesome_ , the voice inside of her mind said. _But we have other things to be worried about, right?_

She hated that voice. It was the same voice that had told her to shoot relentlessly during the Ishvalan War. But at the same time, it was the voice that gave her the confidence to look her coworkers in the eye every day. If they had known what she had done –all the rules she had broken –they wouldn't treat her with the same respect that they did now. This made her mentally flinch, but there was no denying the cold truth.

Of course, her boss knew. Colonel Roy Mustang knew more about her than she did herself, most likely. Despite the fact that most soldiers were expected to be merely polite to each other, the two went way back, and even had drinks together on more than one occasion. She knew that a few people knew, like General Grumman, but she could never tell what that old bat was thinking anyway. And he never said anything about their relationship either, but instead offered up that knowing, devious smile of his that irritated her a little.

 _What are we anyway?_ The voice inside of her mind asked. That was a great question that she did not know the answer to. Hawkeye and Mustang, they were close in more ways than one, but she did not know what they were specifically. They weren't dating –no, not at all. But they weren't just friends either. Friends didn't do the stuff that they did. Friends didn't stay over at each other's houses, wake up in one of their beds and pretend to have a strictly colonel and lieutenant relationship for a month before winding up in a bed again.

She sighed. Their relationship was confusing and hard for even her to process. It didn't feel forced when she was with him: it felt natural. It was like they were designed to fit together, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Everything about it felt so right, and she knew he had to like it too, since he kept coming back. But she couldn't help but wonder if he didn't feel that way at all. If he just saw her as easy or another tally on his score card. She knew he slept around with a lot of women, and it never lasted very long. So why did he keep coming back to her?

Riza realized that she had been staring blankly at the blinking lights of the clock on her stove for the past three minutes, and reached down to pick up her mug. She lifted it up to her lips, and although it was a bit too hot for her liking, she took a hearty sip before setting it back down. _I shouldn't worry about things like that right now. I should be focused on finding Scar and keeping the Fullmetal brat out of trouble –not my love life._

She smiled faintly to herself as she thought of Rebecca, who was with Grumman and his team. What would she say when she found out? She closed her eyes and let herself imagine to the next time she would see her friend, talking about boys in front of a café. "You're lucky," Rebecca would say with a pretend pout on her face. "There are no nice boys over there with Grumman."

"Well, unlike you, this girl has been getting a little bit of action." She imagined herself saying, a grin forming on her lips. She imagined Rebecca's shocked face, and then her friend grabbing at her wrists as she demanded information about this mystery guy. She imagined telling her everything, although without mentioning his name, and knew what Rebecca would say when she was done.

"I hate to break this to you, but this sounds like a toxic relationship," Rebecca would say after taking a long sip of coffee. "I mean, this guy might just be using you. You said you see him pretty often, but you can't speak to him about this. Is this guy your coworker?"

She knew what Rebecca would say if she told the truth. She would start going on about how military relationships like that were practically illegal, since soldiers were supposed to fight for the country and its people, not for each other. And even though it wasn't illegal, it was definitely frowned upon, since everyone knew that one of them was most likely to die before the other. And if the higher ups found out, either Riza or Roy would be transferred to a different city. It was just a recipe for disaster.

So Riza imagined lying to her. She was her best friend, but she didn't need someone telling her all the things she already knew. "Wow. That's tough then. What you should do then is dig into this guy's information, you know? See if he's been around town with other girls lately or if he's got any children he pretends to not know about. And next time you see him, you should try talking to him, no matter how awkward it may be. Okay?"

Riza automatically knew that the first option was a no-go. Digging into Roy's personal life would be hard, not only because of their relationship and his personality but that all files about him were kept under the Führer's careful watch. And God knows that she couldn't snag information that well-guarded by herself. And if she got caught, it would be the end of life as she knew it. She would be questioned, and then transferred; her life exposed and gossiped about by her fellow military coworkers. She would become a legend that was talked about often but never given much thought. And Roy? She didn't know how he would react, but she could imagine that it wouldn't go well. He would ask her questions she couldn't answer professionally, and then she would probably end up breaking down right then and there.

Her eyes opened wide with shock as she suddenly realized something. Even if Roy did have feelings for her, his ambitions and ulterior motives came first. And if he considered her to be getting in the way of these ambitions, then he would not hesitate to sever whatever pathetic, tangled up emotions that she had for him. And then he would tell the higher ups about the two of them, and she would be miserable.

She set the mug down, her fingers trembling. Would Roy really do that to her? Would he really go to such lengths for his ambitions? She didn't want to think about it, but the answer to those questions was not one that she wanted to hear.

 _So we're back to square one,_ the voice in her mind summed up as Riza bent her head. She could feel tears burning in her eyes. She hadn't actually cried in a long time. She had come close many times, but the last time she had cried was…she could barely remember. Her mind was too squirrely for her to focus properly. What was worse, she wanted to cry, and she promised herself that she wouldn't cry again.

Suddenly she heard the familiar sound of a key sliding into the front door lock. She gasped, and then wiped her eyes, trying not to sniffle and keep it together. She blinked harshly, forcing herself to stare at the bright white light above her head, trying to control her emotions as the lock jiggled. She heard a curse and a small smile broke through her sadness. She knew he hated the fact that the door had to be unlocked a certain way, and it never failed to make her feel better.

After a few more tries, he finally got through the door. He closed the door behind him, and then sighed before taking off his coat and setting it on the counter. She had her face turned away so that he couldn't see, and she felt her eyes drifting to the clock. He always got off thirty minutes after she did, and it took him seven minutes to get to her apartment. He was right on schedule.

She didn't look at him. She kept her eyes closed even as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, placing his other hand on her hip as he gently leaned forward and kissed the base of her neck. She tried not to make a sound, although she was pretty sure her heart skipped a beat and a shiver traveled down her spine. He kept his lips there, and broke away from her sensitive skin as she turned to face him. And then they fell into the kiss, his lips soft and tasting of something that could only be described as manliness. She squeezed her eyes shut as her heart pounded away in her rib cage, although it felt like it was at a distance. All that she felt was him, her skin tingling from his touch, her heart pounding from him, and she felt as if she could live in the kiss if she tried.

After a long second, the two broke away for air, breathing heavily. His arms were around her waist, and her hands were between his shoulder blades. She stared at him, a warm light in her eyes as she panted, her cheeks flushed and her mouth open, her lips swollen from the heart-racing kiss. Finally, after a long second, he smiled at her, his lips breaking into a heart-stopping grin. God he didn't know what he did to her.

Finally her voice came to her. "Good evening, Roy."

Roy grinned at her, and then clutched her tightly against him. His arms were strong and firm around her, and she couldn't help but feel absolutely safe. Even with Scar on the run, and killing State Alchemists; even with the dangerous design on her back and with her future uncertain, she felt as if those were little errands they had to do, or like little repairs they had to make. Just simple things they could deal with together.

Then she remembered her emotions before, the danger that may lie ahead, and she slipped her hands from her back to his shoulders, sliding up his neck and stopping at his jawline, then guided his face to hers and kissed him desperately, passion burning. He clutched her with the same desperation, smashing her body hard against his as he kissed her back fiercely. Their eyes both squeezed shut, and as her fingers slid into his hair, she knew what was to follow. They would lose control, and end up on the couch or in her bedroom. Maybe they would have a second round, and then they would fall asleep in each other's arms before waking up several hours later and having an intense shower together, and then leaving for work, Riza always leaving a little bit before him just to ease suspicion.

She knew how this went. They had done it several times before. They didn't know when it started exactly. Maybe when they had first met each other, several years ago, but of course there wasn't anything between them then. He was just an apprentice, and she was just his mentor's daughter. Maybe it had started during the war, when almost everyone had a haunted look in their eyes and no one could escape the terrible nightmares. That was when they had started to grow close to each other. But nothing had really happened until almost nine months ago, when they had gotten drunk together and she woke up on his couch with a hangover, a certain muscular man lying on top of her and a blanket wrapped haphazardly around their bodies. They pretended that nothing happened afterwards, but then they woke up in her bed a month later, neither of them hungover and perfectly aware of what had conspired between them. And after that, things just fell into place.

Of course, they were careful with it. Work was absolutely off limits. They couldn't speak about it at all. And she could absolutely not end up pregnant. Obviously, pregnancy was something that the military preferred to keep out of, but she knew that her fellow coworkers were bound to come see her after the baby was born. And if her baby looked a lot like the baby's father, then there were certainly going to be questions. And it wasn't like her salary could support the baby and herself, and she was doubtful that Roy would want to stick around afterwards. And once the higher ups got suspicious, it was all over for her. Roy could save himself, maybe, but she was sure as hell going to be transferred and maybe silenced.

God this was such a mess. Riza was absolutely sure that this was probably a fling. Nothing to be spending her time worrying over, and probably something that she should just hurry up and break off before it got too toxic. But every single time she saw him outside of their line of work, she fell back into it again. Her grandparents would scold her for dealing with such a stupid thing, for ending up with a boy who was obviously no good for her. But dammit she couldn't help it.

The two began to stumble towards her bedroom, and she was glad she had taken off her shoes. She would hate to scuff the floors and have the landlord bitch to her, even though a scuffed floor would be an improvement to the crappy tile, or at least that's what Roy said about it. She always shut him up by reminding him that this "crappy apartment" was the best she could afford. He normally doesn't say anything in response, although a couple times she saw him open his mouth, ready to say something before rethinking it and shutting up. Besides, it was probably better that they kept it to her apartment, since there was most likely someone watching his place.

He grunted as he landed on the bed, and then kissed her heavily. It didn't take long for their clothes to end up either strewn across the bed or in a heap on the floor. And then they were at it, her body wrapped around his and his lips placed firmly on her neck. They dissolved on the bed, and even though it wasn't good for her, even though she knew that it probably wasn't going to go anywhere, she couldn't help it.

Roy didn't stay long afterwards. A few hours later, he was standing in front of the door, Riza helping him put on his blue coat. "I'm sorry, Hawkeye," he said as he slid on his gloves. "But I've got work to do, and I need to stop by the bar on the way home. The bar is normally open until late, but Madam Christmas won't wait on me forever."

Riza nodded. She felt a little strange, since she was only wearing a fluffy bathrobe and a pair of ankle socks. She knew he probably felt a bit weird, since he was so used to seeing her with her hair pulled back and a stern expression on her face. But now she was tired, and all she wanted to do was curl up with her pillow and pretend like Roy was still there with her. She would never tell him that though.

"I understand," she said quietly. Roy smiled at her a little, and then looked away, shifting awkwardly. She sighed inwardly. This was always the issue between them. After they spent time together like this, they never really knew what to do with themselves, and eventually he would leave. It was always awkward. To be honest, she wanted to give him a goodbye kiss, but she didn't know if he would allow her to. She didn't know if they would wind up back where they had been before, and then he would suddenly leave in the middle of the night and have her with tears burning in her eyes, knowing that she had just spent her time on someone who probably didn't care.

Eventually he did leave, but instead of going back to bed, she sat down on her couch. She had grabbed the mug of tea from earlier, and it had long since lost its warmth. She didn't drink it though, but instead grasped it tightly, her hands shaking as she stared blankly at the wall. She couldn't even begin to make sense of all the feelings that were spinning in her mind, so instead of sorting through them she ignored them. She knew that the future would work itself out, but she still felt awful.

Riza glanced down at the tea. There was still a lot of it in her mug, but she didn't make a move to drink it. The tea had special herbs in it that were supposed to make her feel more awake and energized. But she didn't want to feel awake anymore. As she looked away from the cup, her eyes focused on the wall again, and she couldn't help but wonder if they made a tea to fix a confused heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thursday, October 10** **th**

Riza didn't sleep well that night. Her dreams were filled with more confusion and terror. She couldn't make sense of it during her dreams, and she couldn't make sense of it when she was awake.

She was barely able to keep herself from falling asleep that morning. She decided to stick with some coffee, which wasn't as good as her tea, but it would keep her going through the first few hours of work.

When she got to work, she saw Mustang's car before she saw him. He always had the flashiest spot: right on the front row, all the way on the left, which was right where the front doors were. She winced as the sunlight reflected off of the car's shiny coat, feeling bad that he had gotten there before she had. That almost never happened.

"Dammit. Get on the game, Riza," she muttered to herself as she walked through the parking lot and straight through the front doors, her work heels making satisfying clicks that made her feel much more confident than she was.

When she got up to the room, she felt as if it was one of those moments in the movies, where someone would walk into a room and the music would stop and everyone would stare at the newcomer. Except there was no music, and instead of a room full of strangers it was her fellow coworkers. Still, she felt extremely unwelcome.

"Get to work," she said sternly. They nodded, but continued to glance at her with bewilderment. She did a quick self-check. Her hair was in her usual style, and her clothes were in top shape. So what the hell was so strange about her? She was fairly certain that she had fixed her coat in a way that no one could see her hickeys, but she still reached up uncertainly to touch her neck.

Then she glanced over at Mustang. He was sitting at his desk; his feet propped up, his eyes roaming over her lazily. She tried not to blush and instead saluted, which made her coworkers remember that they were at work and that she was a fearless sniper with an amazing aim.

"You're late, lieutenant." He said, and although she knew he was teasing her, his eyes were dark and his mouth was in a firm line. He was pissed off and she didn't know why.

"I apologize, sir," she said. "Traffic was a pain."

He saw through her lie immediately. He lowered his eyes, staring blankly at the wall beside her. But instead of commenting on it, like he usually did, he let it slide. "Get some coffee," he said shortly.

She obeyed him, and made sure to make it just how he liked it, still wondering what had happened between them. _Why is he so mad? Nothing unusual happened last night, so why is he taking it out on me?_

When she got back into the office, he was on the phone, his fingers pressed to his temples. She smiled to herself, and then quickly wiped it off of her face. Whenever he made that face, she knew that Hughes was on the other line and ranting about things that weren't as important to Mustang as they were to Hughes, like his wife and daughter. When Mustang looked up, his eyes met hers, and he saw her smile. His eyes lightened a little as she set his coffee down on the desk and waited patiently.

Mustang took the coffee from her, and then took a long sip before licking his lips and setting it back down on the desk. She watched him with amusement as he tuned out Hughes, and then leaned back against his chair and sighed. "Listen Hughes, I'm pretty sure you have something to do right now, so why don't you call me back later when we're not on a private line, since I'm sure this is a personal call." Then he hung up on him.

She saw her coworkers grinning out of the corner of her eye. Even though Mustang pretended otherwise, they all knew that Hughes was important to him. However, she did not partake in her coworker's knowing smiles. She had more pressing concerns.

Cautiously, she approached him. "What's on your mind?" She asked him quietly, so that the others could hear them. He glanced at her, and then stood up, dragging her by the arm out into the hallway. She could feel the other's curious stares on them, but decided to ignore them.

As soon as they were out in the hallway, she did a check. No one was around, thank God. Then she glanced down at Mustang, who was rubbing his eyes.

"He got another one last night," he said after a long moment. "He got another one. Goddamn it, he got another f-"he cut off at the last second, burying his face into his gloved hands. She didn't want to show it, but she relaxed slightly, knowing that he wasn't mad at her, before straightening.

"Scar is a killer," she said quietly. "But he's different. He's not bothering to hide it at all, and he's purposely targeting State Alchemists. Like you," she said, and softened her voice at the end. "I've got your back, Colonel, but I can't keep an eye on you all the time. I've got things to do too. I'm always worrying about you Colonel, so please just let that be enough right now, okay? Don't go wandering around looking for a man whose killing State Alchemists for fun, because your death isn't going to matter to him, and it's going to matter to everyone else. Leave that stuff to the big shots."

He let out an aggravated sigh. "But the big shots are sons of bitches that can't do their jobs right, so it's all up to me. And don't baby me, lieutenant. I'm not throwing myself to the dog here. I know what I'm doing." Despite his words, she could see the look in his eyes that made her uncertain of him.

"You better," she growled, but grinned a little and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't react at first, but then she felt him smile against her shoulder and reluctantly hug her back.

There was a long pause, and then she spoke. "Remember, you still have Edward Elric. He may be a pain, but he's good at his job."

His smile, which had gradually faded, appeared again on his lips. "I know, lieutenant. Don't tell me how to do my job."

They managed to talk again during lunch. It was short and professional, but she couldn't help but feel better.

Nothing really happened until later that afternoon. It had been around 4:35, and Mustang had received another phone call from Hughes. The colonel decided to listen to this call and gave his paperwork to Riza, who gladly filled them out and filed them, grateful for something to do that wasn't awkward or confusing.

She had been in the Delivery Room, checking for more paperwork for Mustang to do, when General Grumman came in and scared her.

"Hello Riza," he said quietly, a small smile on his face. Riza nearly jumped out of her skin, but instead of letting that show she simply turned to face him and swiftly saluted. "At ease," he murmured, and then widened his smile. "How are you?"

Riza tried not to sigh. Grumman was one of those people who acted like everyone's really cool relative who actually listened to what you had to say and gave you good advice. She wanted to tell him about Mustang, since he might have some good insight, but she bit back her words. She couldn't risk it, especially since he might hold it over her or tell someone important.

"I'm fine, sir. Just checking for paperwork to do, sir," she said coolly. "Pardon me for asking, sir, but why are you here?"

General Grumman took a deep breath before replying. "I have been called here by the Führer for a meeting. He asked me to meet him in his office, but when I got there, he wasn't there. No one knew where he went, so I figured I would just wander around until he came back."

Riza's face remained expressionless, but she was trying not to smile. She loved General Grumman because he always loved to mess with the Führer and his plans, although he never did anything directly. Finally she broke and smiled, although it was gone after a millisecond.

"Anyway, Riza, have you heard about Reole?" General Grumman asked, changing the subject.

Her eyebrows knitted together. "Isn't Reole a town in the east?"

General Grumman nodded. "Yes, it is, and it used to be a peaceful town, but a new religion has popped up there recently. Letoism."

"Letoism? I've never heard of that religion, sir."

Grumman nodded gravely. "It's a religion that has become wildly popular in Reole as of late. It doesn't seem too bad, but I've heard some stories of people rising from the dead and miraculous feats. The people of Reole credit their imaginary sun god Leto, but no god can do things like that."

She listened, curious now. "Well, sir, the only options are, one, alchemy is responsible, or two, everyone is faking it, or three, there really is a sun god who is doing all of this. And I don't think that it is option number three."

"That's what I said as well. But I think we need to send someone out there, just to do a quick check up on Reole and make sure everything is okay."

She nodded. "I'll look into it, sir. Do you have anyone in particular whom you would like to send to Reole?"

 _Please say the Elric brothers. Please say the Elric brothers. Please say the Elric brothers. Please say the Elric-_

"I'll leave that up to you, Riza. However, if I may make a suggestion, I would advise sending the Elric brothers."

Riza tried not to let out a screech of delight. _Thank fucking God! I can finally get those damn kids out of my fucking hair!_ "I'll see what I can do, sir," she said. General Grumman saluted, and she saluted back before grabbing Mustang's paperwork and walking out of the Delivery Room, a smile of triumph on her face.

When she got back to the office, Mustang glanced up at her. He wasn't on the phone anymore, and he looked like he had a headache. He noticed her grin. "Is something amusing, Lieutenant?" He asked.

Her happy smile turned into a sly one as she set the papers down on his desk. "Oh, nothing sir, but I do think we need to look into Reole." His eyebrows shot upwards, and he squinted at her, but didn't say a word. She walked confidently to her desk and sat down, ignoring the curious glances from her fellow coworkers.

After a few minutes, Mustang called her up to his desk. "Bring the Elric brothers in tomorrow," he murmured quietly. "We've got a task for them."

 **So sorry for not updating sooner, but writing fanfiction has been on hold lately due to school and all that other junk. This also might not be one hundred percent accurate, since I haven't watched FMAB since Christmas and my memory is pretty bad, so I'm kind of just rolling off of whatever the Wikipedia page says. I will try to update once a month though.**

 **-Lilith**


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